Cheney School Staff CC at Great Haseley, 20 overs
Scorecard - www.pitchero.com/clubs/bodleiancc/teams/255079/match-centre/0-5502080/scorecard Disclaimer: Due to astronomical rises in the cost of PVA Glue and wider inflationary trends in passive aggression Bodley CC were unable to commission this weeks match report via one of Lord Milner’s contacts at the Athenaeum Club as per standard procedure. Instead, Bodley were compelled to resort to a rather shambolic Radio 4 Continuity Announcer who claimed to know Milner from an amateur production of Charley’s Aunt at the Groucho, and had heard that there was a cheap bar. He also wanted to have a discrete word about returning certain items that may, or may not, have hypothetically ended up on his bookcase at his Mayfair Mews. As such, Bodley CC cannot be held responsible for any of the views that may be expressed in the following report. And a warm welcome to all our listeners across the UK and around the world. You find us this glorious summer evening at Great Haseley, in the rolling hills of South Oxfordshire, where Bodley CC take on Cheney School staff in what promises to be a most enjoyable evenings sport. Now, I am informed that this is the inaugural match between these two sides so there really is very much to play for. Bodley come into the match off the back of what I have been told to call a ‘resounding win’ against the Richard Denner XI, and hope to make it a brace of victories tonight. Bodley are fielding a scratch team this evening, with stalwarts Jones, Shaw, Robinson, Busby, Hadfield and Philipson buttressed by the fruits of their famous youth policy, with occasionals Ash Shaw and Archie Lewins joined by Arthur Contero-Olsen to complete what looks to be a splendid, well-balanced team. Cheney School on the other hand appear to be comprised of thoroughly seasoned players, which I suppose makes sense, as teachers, unlike policemen, are not getting that young, even these days. Quite a few familiar faces are evident in the Cheney ranks and Bodley will be facing one or two of these journeymen cricketers several times this year, so tonight’s match offers much to those wanting to plot the likely trajectory of these teams over the course of the season. And talking of familiar school faces, there is a real treat in store for fans of ‘Grange Hill’ on the iPlayer tonight, where Roland Browning is once again on the receiving end of a ‘bog washing’ from “Gripper" Stebson! And so as a warm evening sun bathes the lush green outfield, a batting order is committed to paper, Neeley and Hadfield make their way out to the middle and Cheney marshal their forces in the field, the curtain rises on this eagerly anticipated fixture. Cheney open with very tight, pacey bowling from both Rugg and Rathod, and Neeley and Hadfield do well to keep them out, but in spite of an opening-over four from Neeley, runs prove hard to come by, and Bodley instead resort to dashing between stumps with all the urgency of Anika Rice. Which reminds me, for our younger viewers, there is a ‘Celebrity Dumpster Diving Special’ tonight, so please make sure you don’t miss ‘Scavenge Anika’ on BBC3 at 9pm. Despite an unrelenting attack from Cheney, Bodley manage to hold out until the sixth over when Hadfield, now starting to find the boundary, is finally beaten by a ball from Rathod that moves away off the seam, evades the bat and clips the off stump. And as Hadfield departs for a resolute and hard-won thirteen to his name, Shaw strides out to pick up the gauntlet and is soon in that languid groove so beloved by the Bodley contingent on the boundary, as gaps are found and runs abound. Before nerves settle alas, Neeley is himself finally undone by Hawkins and caught for a dogged twelve runs, with Lewins now joining Shaw in the middle. Cheney clearly have strength in depth and runs remain hard to come by, and when Shaw falls to yet another questioning ball from Hawkins after a rapid-fire eleven, Jones strides out to settle the good ship Bodley. This was all beginning to feel a little desperate and unfunny, and for those partial to such things you are in for a real treat as ‘Quote Unquote’ returns for a new series next week. Any hope that the combination of youthful technique and studied experience would prevail proved short-lived however, as Jones succumbed to yet another danger ball from Aggarwal in the fifteenth over which clattered into the stumps and left Bodley reeling somewhat with four down and less than seventy runs on the board. It was now the turn of Philipson to join Lewins out in the middle, and it would be most curious indeed to see if an injection of reckless abandon would make any positive impact on the innings. The swinging and scampering that ensued must have played havoc with optical perspective on the boundary, as the compact nimble youngster and his sluggish and rather thuggish compatriot attempted to make the most of the remaining overs and ease Bodley towards the psychologically re-assuring hundred-up. Alas, when you start to chase the game there is always the danger of being metaphorically, and literally caught, and so it was that Lewins fell to a fine caught and bowled by Toner after adding an impressive and vital twenty-two runs to the Bodley tally. The departure of Lewins brought Robinson to the crease, and brandishing his bat like a Saxon Battleaxe he swatted the first delivery to the boundary for much needed runs. Before yet another Philipson-Robinson partnership could develop however, an entirely characteristic heave across the line by Philipson created such centrifugal momentum that he pirouetted beyond the safely of his crease and was duly stumped by Jacobs. It has often been remarked that a Bodley innings is many things, but never dull, and as Philipson trudged off with a face that suggested he wanted to break even the good plates, listeners are reminded that they are in for a real treat with this weeks Book at Bedtime, a serialisation of Stephen Arnold’s critically acclaimed: ‘Don’t Open the Box, Jenni Murray: A Feminist Cricketing Miscellany’. And whilst you are all enjoying that, let us return to the cricket, where Contero-Olsen now steps into the fray, and after a few settlers starts to loosen the shoulders and connect, the highlight being a lofted drive that clears both the bowler and the field. Expansive play must always be a high risk-reward endeavour however, and Contero-Olsen’s promising innings comes to a premature end when Mohammed finds the gap and the stumps. This brought Bodley legend Busby to the crease, a batsman as unpredictable as the Shipping Forecast, and equally partial to a German Bight. Alas, today would add no new glorious chapters to the burgeoning Busby Biography, as todays favoured approach of wielding the bat akin to a rolled-up newspaper when swatting a fly proved surprisingly ineffective, and found Mohammed on a hat-trick. And so, as Ash defiantly defended the remaining balls and returned with Robinson undefeated to the pavilion, there was the usual air of uncertainty pervading the Bodley contingent on the boundary. With an under-par ninety-four runs on the board it seemed unlikely that Cheney would be contained but, as I believe Hardy once said, ‘There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy’! With the sun now starting to slide lazily to the horizon a quick change was in order, with only a brief discussion between captains as to the use of one ball or two. Talking of which, listeners will be pleased to hear that tomorrows Afternoon Play on Radio Four is a quite marvellous dramatization of the Hitler Diaries! Now back to the cricket, and on strike for Cheney was Thakore, one of the seemingly endless journeymen cricketers in which Cheney seemed to abound, and moreover one whom Bodley had faced only three days previous under the colours of the Richard Denner XI. Then he had fallen for less than a score, but today he seemed on a mission to atone for past sins and indulged in batting that was brutal, and like Farming Today, thoroughly agricultural. With little in the pitch, good line and length from Shaw and Robinson was mercilessly dispatched both to and over the boundary, and when the fifty came up after only six overs, this was beginning to resemble something of an uphill struggle. And for those interested in such things, you may want to tune into Thursdays episode of Ramblings, where Clare Balding goes rollerblading in the Cheviots. The retirement of Thakore after a brutal, bullied, forty-two, closely followed by a timely caught and bowled by Robinson which saw fellow traveller Desmond out for a drawn-out seven, presented a faint glimpse of optimism in the Bodley ranks. But as the cliché goes, there was ‘plenty of time’, and Cheney now had Switala and Kitchin at the crease, and neither seemed susceptible to the inexplicable ‘moment of madness’ that has made Bodley innings such a treasure trove of triumph and tragedy over the years. Even fine, probing bowling from Ash, fierce pace from Contero-Olsen and guileful spin from Lewins went unrewarded as the runs stacked up and the margins ever-narrowed. In such situations the Bodley ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card has often been the beguiling Busby, a bowler who has only slightly more understanding of any given delivery than the batter on the receiving end. Alas, with margins so tight and the lure of a cheap bar, Cheney were not to be caught in the no-mans land between technique and temptation that had proved the undoing of oh-so-many batters over the past thirty years, and for once Busby would remain un-scalped. This was all rather a shame, for as any Bodley veteran will attest, there are few things to equal the palpable sense of disbelief and injustice that exudes from a batter that has just fallen victim to the ‘Stuka’. And as Kitchin dispatched a final four to secure victory for Cheney in the fourteenth over, one felt there was more than a grain of truth in last weeks ‘Poetry Please’, when Roger McGough’s special guest Pam Ayres gave a special reading of her poem “If you can’t beat them, what’s the point of teaching?” And so as Cheney departed from the field of dreams victorious, there was just enough time for some philosophical musing and projection as Bodley attempted to re-erect a fiendishly complicated rabbit-proof fence. As always one must take positives from each game, and despite the loss both batting and bowling had been pretty good, albeit against a well-drilled opponent who clearly knew how to win. And if you think this all sounds a little disappointing for Bodley, just remember that there are some pretty glum faces over at Brookfield Farm too! There will always be times during any season when the odds are stacked just that bit beyond your ability to tip the balance, but you just have to put it all down to experience, dust yourself off, and ready yourself for the next challenge, for that is where glory lies. Anyway, I’m off to make the most of the cheap bar and settle down to listen to this evenings edition of Front Row where, in an exclusive interview, Mr Bodleian talks frankly of his desire to use the library’s collections to engage with a broader section of the community, and responds to accusations of ‘dumbing down’ levelled at his latest major exhibition entitled “Ere cock, where’d you keep the filthy stuff?”. Now, who do I see about my fee? As told to TP
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